Jokes & quotes about dogs & cats

This collection of jokes & sayings have been sent to me by e-mail. I hope I'm not infringing copyright! 

A child is visiting her dog-loving friend. The child is interested in zoology and asks her friend, "Is there any animal without ears?" 

Her dog-loving friend replies, "Sure, a rather young puppy."

Today's Clean Laugh - "Parking Lot Stay"

She was stretched, full-out, on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a very pretty young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park"?

from www.cyberSalt.org (get jokes by email)

10 Reasons Your Dog's hair cut costs more than yours

10. Your hairdresser doesn't wash and clean your rear end.

9. You don't go for 8 weeks without washing or brushing your hair.

8. Your hairdresser doesn't have to give you a sanitary trim.

7. Your hairdresser doesn't have to clean your ears.

6. Your hairdresser doesn't have to clean boogies from your eyes.

5. You sit still for your hairdresser.

4. Your haircut doesn't include a manicure or pedicure.

3. Your hairdresser only washes and cuts the hair on your head.

2. You don't bite or scratch your hairdresser. (I hope not anyway).

    And the Number 1 reason your dog's haircut costs more than yours....

1. The likelihood of you pooping or peeing while your hair is being cut is extremely slim.

"If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them."
--Phil Pastoret

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE
Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your Ute, hunting, camping and Duck shooting, cozy nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (03) 475-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Otago branch of the SPCA about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever. Men are so easy.

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and  asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named  Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

 "HellOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs ."

"Dogs are not our whole lives, but they make our lives whole." Roger Carras

WHAT I ASKED FOR, WHAT I NEEDED

When I got my new dog

I asked for strength that I might rear her perfectly;
I was given weakness that I might feed her more treats.

I asked for good health that I might rest easy;
I was given a "special needs" dog that I might know nurturing.

I asked for an obedient dog that I might feel proud;
I was given stubbornness that I might feel humble.

I asked for compliance that I might feel masterful;
I was given a clown that I might laugh

I asked for a companion that I might not feel lonely;
I was given a best friend that I would feel loved.

I got nothing I asked for,
But everything that I needed.
I got a dog

"I just don't know what to do," said Miriam.  "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it."

"Don't worry," said Howard, "I'll get us another dog." 

A cat is like a recipe - you always think it's yours.

Theories Of Cat Behavior

LAW OF CAT INERTIA
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

LAW OF CAT MOTION
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter +  It Doesn't Matter.

LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE
As yet undiscovered. 

A New Picture on the CleanLaugh Site!
*Cat Teeth*
http://www.cybersalt.org/go.php?id=cw461

I have a great dog. She's half Lab, half pit bull. A good combination. Sure, she might bite off my leg, but she'll bring it back to me.
--Jimi Celeste

Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring -- it was peace.
--Milan Kundera

*A Dog's Diary*

5:30am: Started the day as a hero!  When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake!  I roused my master by licking him in the face.  He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms.  His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee.  He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.

7:30am: Invaders!  The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house.  Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion.  This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn.  My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily.  I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.
 
10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet.  It's not easy being a dog.

1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world!  While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter.  It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth.  The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center.  I don't
want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present.  He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion.  I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset.
When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls.  A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks.  "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto.  We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids.  Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road?  Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack.  I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm: What a treat!  On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by a car.  After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver.  I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill.  Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.

6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath!  My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times.  Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering.  Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home.  Ah, the life of a dog.

Take the Puppy Test! An amusing website where you can make up stories & have a good laugh! http://www.essaygenerator.com

"The wolf will hire himself out very cheaply as a shepherd."
- Russian Proverb

Always drink upstream from the pack.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't
need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Some boys were gathered round a dog in the street. A Pastor stopped and asked them what they were doing. “This is a stray. We’re having a competition. The one who tells the biggest lie, gets the dog,” said the boys.

“Boys, it’s wrong to tell lies! When I was your age, I never told lies,” said the Pastor.

“OK, you win. We’ll give the dog to you,” said the boys.  

 A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well – almost!” Charlotte Gray

The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you make a fool of yourself with him, and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you,    
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can do all these things, ...............

Then you are probably the family dog.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You will NEVER get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez 

Never trust a dog to guard your food.

A man called his dog "Twice." It wouldn't come when he called it Once.

Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.

Treat your dog like a king, and he'll treat you like a dog.

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain

Things we can learn from a dog 

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride. When a loved one comes home, always run to greet them. Take naps, and stretch before rising. Be loyal. Never pretend you're something you're not. When somebody is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently. Avoid biting when a growl will do. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. Bond with your pack. Allow the experiences of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Why a Dog is Better Than a Woman

A dog's parents never visit you. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.  A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.   A dog never expects you to phone.    A dog will not get mad if you forget its birthday.  A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.  A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.   The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. A dog does not shop.

How to give a cat a pill

1.   Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 

2.   Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 

3.   Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 4.   Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat.

Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.

Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 5.   Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.

Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.

Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

6.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans.

Drink glass of water to take taste away.

Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbours shed.

Get another pill.

Place cat in cupboard & close door onto neck to leave head showing.

Force mouth open with dessert spoon.

Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

 7.   Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.

Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.

Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Arrange for SPCA to collect cat, and ring local pet shop to see if they have any goldfish.

How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

  A Vet's Tale by Martha Hardison

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary  clinic for inoculations and worming.  As the look-alike pups squirmed  over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest.  So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened  each  dog's head when I had finished.  After the fourth puppy, I noticed my  talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and  whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."         
        

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